How It Feels to Gain Life Back

I have experienced somewhat of an epiphany. And I'm going to share it with you. 

I've only spoken very lightly on my past struggle with an eating disorder and related anxiety. I spent a solid four and a half years constantly struggling with negative body image and dysmorphia, thoughts of purging and self-harming, restriction, obsession with losing weight and exercising; the list goes on. 

I went through therapy for four months - something I never thought I would do. I lost so much weight, including muscle mass, it was hard for me to do anything for long periods of time. I was constantly freezing. My lips were blue, even in the summertime. I wore a sweatshirt everywhere I went, and I had trouble getting to sleep at night. 

Living every day of my life that way, constantly tormented by an inner voice that nagged at me, telling me lies about myself and urging me to continue down the path I was going. The path that could very well have brought me to my death. The path I have no intention of ever looking back on again.

Food Anxiety + My Struggle

I'm going to jump right to the point. No fancy intro, no pretty pictures, no fantastic words or elaborately thought-out scripting. Just me and my thoughts (and a few of my opinions)...

I have had serious problems with food - rather, my relationship with food - for a long time. To give you a little background; I grew faster in height and width than anyone else I knew. Being home-schooled and going to a really small church, I had two best friends who, coming from a different family with different genetics than mine, were significantly smaller than I was. I compared myself to them more often the older I got, until I was full-on bashing myself every time I saw them. I took a ballet class, and I wore a leotard, tights, and ballet skirt like all the other girls, but I felt like a whale in comparison to everyone else. I compared myself to other girls, not noting how skilled I was or how hard I worked. All that mattered to me at that age was all that mattered to me say, six months ago - and still does sometimes.

Favorites!

There is a bandwagon which has been going on for ages that I am just now jumping onto.
Time for a "favorites" post. Because it's a Monday evening and what else do you do on a Monday evening?
;)

The Me I'll Never Be

When I was little, I thought of the 16-year-old Janessa as someone extravagant; some flawless, cover model quality Barbie with long, thick hair, a slim waist, incredibly long legs, and a perfect smile. I imagined myself confident, popular, and burdened with having far too many boys my age practically drooling over me.

Now I'm at that age, and I can attest to the unrealistic fantasy that was my under-ten-year-old mind. I have neither a mob of guys falling at my feet, nor incredibly long legs. If anything, I am average-sized and totally single. Both of which I have learned to accept.

Epic Food Survey Part II

I forgot to write up a Thinking out Loud post this week... Sad day. 

Buuuuut thanks to Amanda's food survey, I don't have to miss out on all the fun! This will be a little 'replacement' in the meantime. Next week I'll be back on my regular schedule for sure.

Maybe. o.O

EPIC FOOD SURVEY

{PART 2}

[part 1 here]

Dairy

I.  Do you prefer white or chocolate milk? 

I'm not much of a milk fan, but I can tolerate it if it's in cocoa form. Chocolate, all the way.

II.  What's your favorite brand of yogurt?

I don't eat yogurt all that often either, but my mom buys the huge containers of low-fat vanilla Yoplait, and if I'm feelin' it, that's what I go for.

III.  Do you think you get enough calcium?

Probably not. Which is bad because I have low tolerance for pain so if my bones decide to break on me, I will probably die shortly after from shock alone. O.O

IV.  Where do you get most of your calcium from?

Cottage cheese.

V.  What's your favorite type of cheese?

Cottage.

VI.  What's your favorite way to eat cheese?

Low-fat, small curd, cottage form.

VII.  What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Vanilla with peanut butter stirred in, and chocolate chip cookie dough.

VIII.  When you make oatmeal, do you make it with milk or water?

Water.

IX.  What kind of milk do you drink?

Vanilla soy, and vanilla almond if I'm lucky enough to find it on sale!

X.  What's your favorite thing to do with cottage cheese?

Eat it; literally, I don't need to put anything in it. Alternatively, I can put it on top of or in anything - my list is long.

Meat

I.  Are you vegetarian or vegan?

In this stage of life, I am neither.

II.  If you aren't vegetarian or vegan, could you ever be?

Absolutely. I wrote up a long post ages ago about veganism and how I support it but I'm not about the animal rights movement. 

[if you decide to follow the link, be forewarned there is one photo near the end that is extremely graphic and cannot be unseen].

III.  What's your favorite type of meat?

I'm not a fan of red meat, and I've eaten enough chicken and turkey to last three lifetimes, but I suppose, depending on its form, if chicken is the only option I will take it.

IV.  What's your favorite type of fish or seafood?

I haven't had a lot of experience with sushi (read: one experience) but the one time I tried it, I was hooked. If it's good, quality sushi, it holds the key to my heart taste pallet. 

Tuna is another good one.

V.  Hamburgers or hotdogs?

Hamburgers. As I said before, I'm not a huge fan, but I cannot eat hotdogs. They make me feel icky. 

VI.  If you have a barbecue [grill] is it propane-powered or charcoal?

I don't have one, but my dad is on his second propane after the charcoal and the first propane stopped working. Funny story: dad doesn't get ties and shoes for Father's Day, he gets tool chests and recliners and grills. We spoil him well. ;)

VII.  What is your least favorite type of meat?

Pig meat; ham, bacon [so sorry, America!], pork, etc. I can't take it. I can't.

VIII.  Is there a type of meat you haven't tried yet but would like to?

I would really like to try lobster, crab, and more exotic meats like alligator and *I'm drawing a blank here*...think of the craziest animal on the planet...platypus! I wonder if anyone's ever tried that. 

IX.  What's the most exotic meat you've ever eaten?

I had calamari at Olive Garden once... 

X.  When you eat meat, is the portion bigger than a deck of cards?

Not usually, no. 

Drinks

I.  What do you put in your coffee?

Jeeze, I put a lot of different things in. Sometimes, if I'm feeling basic, I'll put a little creamer and some sweetener in, but if I'm feeling more "adventurous" I'll put in some cocoa mix, some cappuccino (go figure), or maybe some protein powder. I like to experiment sometimes. Don't knock it til you've tried it.

II.  What do you put in your tea?

If I have to drink tea: lots of sweetener. I used to be obsessed with tea, but now I can hardly stand it, in any form. 

III.  Do you like the taste of water? 

Yes yes yes. Water is my favorite (besides coffee, obviously).

IV.  Do you drink water every day?

Probably way more than I should. I carry around a 24 oz. water bottle and refill it 3-4 times a day; and that's not counting the sparkling water I drink on occasion!

V.  What's your favorite flavor of diet soda?

The kind I don't drink

VI.  Do you think you drink too much diet soda?

If never is too much, then yeah. 

VII.  Do you prefer to eat or drink your calories?

I dunno, cappuccino is really good...but so is peanut butter so you've kind of caught me in a tough spot here. I like both a lot!

VIII.  Do you drink energy drinks?

Not unless coffee counts. ;)

IX.  What's your favorite smoothie recipe?

I'm not very adventurous with smoothies (partly because my little single-serving blender broke *sad face*), but I like peanut butter, banana, almond milk, and chocolate smoothies a lot. I think that might actually count as a milkshake w/o ice cream, actually.

X.  Do you flavor your water?

Sometimes, if I have flavoring packets on hand. I've tried infusing it but my favorite is the ready-flavored Sparkling Ice bottles. Lemonade is my fave. <3

Treats

I.  How often do you eat something unhealthy?

If by "unhealthy" you mean "gloriously balanced between sweet and somewhat healthy, because food is food and as long as you don't go overboard it's all good" the answer is: every day, sometimes more than once! 

II.  Do you prefer a sweet or salty treat?

Sweet. Unless of course I'm craving something salty; in which case, chocolate does not do.

III.  What's your favorite salty treat?

It honestly depends on what I'm craving. Sometimes pretzels, sometimes peanuts, sometimes popcorn.

IV.  What's your favorite sweet treat?

See above answer.^^

V.  What's your favorite brand of chocolate bar?

I don't usually buy chocolate in bar form, so I'm gonna go with what I know from experience and say Hershey's.

VI.  When was the last time you went out to eat?

Tuesday, but...

VII.  What did you order?

...I didn't order anything because I wasn't feeling 100% so I had a bottle of water and a Larabar I had stashed in my bad for who knows how long.

VIII.  Do you tend to binge on unhealthy foods around your house?

Again with the "unhealthy" wording...

Yes. I do. When I say binge I mean eat without really thinking about it because the food is tasty. I'm getting better though! 

IX.  Chips or popcorn?

Popcorn, always popcorn!

X.  What's your favorite flavor/brand of chips?

I don't hardly ever eat chips, so I really don't have a favorite. I used to love sour cream & onion and barbecue Pringles.

There you have it: the second and final part of the food survey!

Thanks to Amanda for writing it up. Join in if you're feelin' it! :)

~JK

Back Into the Swing of Things + Epic Food Survey Part I

Ahoy! I have returned fer me...er...me booty?

I haven't really returned for anything in particular. Except maybe a 'where have you been, ya slacker?!'

Actually I wasn't expecting any of that. I haven't been gone that long. Have I?

I was MIA for a time (12 days, to be precise) because - in short - I've had a lot going on. 

In a bit more detail: I had summer camp from the 7th to the 12th, and not long after I had a funeral to attend for my great-aunt. In all the hubbub, blogging wasn't the first thing on my list of priorities. 

In addition, I had some schoolwork to catch up on; and my mom had knee surgery so I've been spending a lot of my time planning meals and searching for more exciting lunches and dinners (toasted cheese gets boring real fast). When I haven't been doing school or playing chef for my family, I've been watching Regular Show and Pokemon - both of which are on Netflix. Praaaaaise. 

In other news, Amanda has put together a food survey that I am more than happy to join in on. I think it's about time I got back into the swing of things here...

EPIC FOOD SURVEY

{pt. I}

Grains

I.  Flavor-wise, do you prefer white or whole wheat breads?
Wheat, if it's in loaf form. White, if it's in biscuit form.

II.  What's your favorite type of grain to eat (oatmeal, bread, wraps, etc.)?
Oatmeal; although I ate waaaay too much over the last few years, so I only have it about once a month now. Dry cereal has kind of become my thing nowadays.

III.  What's your favorite sandwich filling?
Peanut butter, banana, cinnamon, and honey. <3 <3 <3

IV.  What's your favorite type of bread?
Banana. No question about it!

V.  How many servings of grain do you consume daily?
Probably way too many. Grains make up most of my diet, along with nut butters and cottage cheese.

VI.  What's your favorite cracker topping?
Hummus. Usually I eat hummus with carrots and broccoli, but it's delicious with crackers as well.

VII.  What's your favorite thing to do with rice?
Put it into a stir-fry. Then eat it. 

VIII.  What brand of bread do you usually buy?
My mom buys grain from an Amish bulk store, grinds it with her Nutrimill beast contraption, and bakes most of our bread. So much better than store-bought.

IX.  What's your favorite type of cereal?
Ack. Can I only choose one?... Mother's Peanut Butter Bumpers. My brothers ate the last of it the last time I bought some!  >.<

X.  What was your favorite type of breakfast cereal as a child?
REESE'S PUFFS. There was a time when Cocoa Pebbles were really high on my favorites list as well.
Ahh, I miss those carefree days sometimes. 

Fruits

I.  Favorite fruit?
Despite the fact that the above photo is of an apple, my favorite fruits are bananas and blueberries. Blueberries are just so dang expensive, I can't buy pounds and pounds of them like I can with bananas...

II.  Least favorite fruit?
Dragon fruit. It has no taste - or at least, the one I tried didn't. It just tasted like water!
They look really cool though...

[source]

III.  Do you drink fruit juice often?
No. I used to on occasion as a kid, but I guess it always gave me 'the runs' so I steer clear of it to this day.

IV.  Do you consider tomatoes a fruit or a vegetable?
Vegetable. They will never be a fruit in my eyes.

V.  Do you think you eat enough fruit daily?
Oh yeah, for sure! I basically live off fruit. And nut butter. And cottage cheese...

VI.  Do you consider fruit more important than vegetables?
No, but I do consider them tastier.

VII.  What's your favorite citrus fruit?
Grapefruit.

VIII.  Do you like pastries with fruit in them?
I'm not a huge fan of pastries in general (they don't fill me up; and even the little ones have so much sugar stuffed into them!) but I used to be a major fan of apple turnovers. Sheesh those are good.

IX.  What's your favorite flavor of jam?
Blueberry; especially when we pick 23194 blueberries and Mom makes the jam herself.

X.  When do you usually eat the most fruit?
When I'm awake. ;)

Veg

I.  When you were a kid, did you like vegetables?
Not hardly. Unless they were canned or cooked to mush; I was very persnickety about them. Funny story: I loved Ranch dressing, and I remember one day I put together a big salad with oodles of Ranch slathered on top. I couldn't eat the lettuce, but I licked off the dressing.
I was a strange one, I admit.

II.  do you think you eat enough vegetables now?
It really depends on the day. Sometimes, no - other times, no question about it. If I have hummus on hand, I definitely eat enough carrots.

III.  What's your favorite raw vegetable?
Have I mentioned carrots yet?

IV.  What's your favorite cooked vegetable?
I really liked steamed-anything. Broccoli, green beans, corn, peas, etc. They're all good - except peppers. 

V.  What's your least favorite raw vegetable? 
Tomatoes (although science calls them a fruit, they are a veggie to me!) 

VI.  What's your least favorite cooked vegetable?
Peppers. I don't like them raw either, unless they're blended into salsa. 

VII.  What's your favorite kind of salad?
The kind with so many toppings you can't taste the greens.
But really, strawberry salad is pretty good, I think. Who knew strawberries + spinach went so well together??

VIII.  Do you buy spaghetti sauce, or do you make your own?
Buy it. It takes far, far too long to make it and it's almost not worth the effort. 

IX.  When you order a sub at Subway, what vegetables do you get on it?
Spinach, lettuce, & pickles. Done.

X.  Do you like vegetables more than fruit?
No. In no way will veg ever surpass fruit in my book.

Nuts

I.  What's your favorite type of nut?
Pureed and plopped into a jar.

Also, I really like oven-roasted almonds. Cashews are pretty good, too.

II.  What's your least favorite type of nut?
I'm not a fan of Brazil nuts. I used to love them, but they taste too buttery to me for some reason.

III.  What's your favorite type of nut butter?
Either Earth Balance Coconut Peanut Spread, or Peanut Butter & Co. Dark Chocolate Dreams.

IV.  Are you good with portion control when it comes to nuts or nut-butters?
Not with nut butters. Ooooooh no.

V.  What's your favorite recipe that involves nuts or nut butters?
Banana bread, topped with peanut butter. :D

VI.  Have you ever tried pea-butter or soynut butter?
Pea-butter sounds horrendous, and soynut butter sounds pretty good, but I can't say I ever have tried it.

VII.  When was the last time you ate nuts?
This morning, whilst licking the spatula I used to transfer homemade peanut butter from the food processor to the peanut butter jar.

VIII.  Is anybody close to you allergic to nuts?
If they are, I am unaware.

IX.  What's your favorite way to use nut butters? 
Top it on something, or eat it straight from the jar. 

X.  Do you think nuts are worth the calories?
Heck yes! Forever and always! Unless you have an allergy, in which case; no, don't risk your life.

~JK