January 16, 2015

How It Feels to Gain Life Back

I have experienced somewhat of an epiphany. And I'm going to share it with you. 

I've only spoken very lightly on my past struggle with an eating disorder and related anxiety. I spent a solid four and a half years constantly struggling with negative body image and dysmorphia, thoughts of purging and self-harming, restriction, obsession with losing weight and exercising; the list goes on. 

I went through therapy for four months - something I never thought I would do. I lost so much weight, including muscle mass, it was hard for me to do anything for long periods of time. I was constantly freezing. My lips were blue, even in the summertime. I wore a sweatshirt everywhere I went, and I had trouble getting to sleep at night. 

Living every day of my life that way, constantly tormented by an inner voice that nagged at me, telling me lies about myself and urging me to continue down the path I was going. The path that could very well have brought me to my death. The path I have no intention of ever looking back on again.


About a month into my therapy sessions, I discovered a sleu of health and fitness blogs. I read the About Me segments and most of them (I'm talking a good 80%) had similar backstories to mine. The authors had previously struggled with eating disorders, exercise obsession, post-baby-weight-gain-depression, Freshman 15, etc. etc. I was inspired and deeply humbled by the strength and confidence these bloggers possessed, and I finally decided I didn't want to hurt anymore. Being skinny was no longer going to be important for me; through therapy (read: a lot of emotional self-discovery) I was able to put my mental health at the top of my Things To Get Straight list. My real recovery began shortly after.

Let me tell you though, it is not easy-peasy in the slightest. It doesn't matter if you've struggled for four weeks or four years; recovery is tough stuff. I have been through relapse after relapse, fought off inner demons that keep coming back for vengeance, spent hours awake at night plagued by my own "what ifs"... but I don't regret a thing. 

I began binge eating in secret, because once my restrictive behavior stopped, my brain waves kicked back on full speed and I suddenly wanted all the foods. Which is very normal for someone in my position. Good, in fact, because it indicated that my metabolism was ready to get to work again. Once my body realized "hey! Janessa's feeding me again!" things started shifting back into place. I grew a quarter inch and gained back some muscle I had been missing. I started eating junk food again (which is a big deal for me, as contradictory as it may seem), and I stopped counting calories! 

However, the struggle was still real. Because I was eating "way more than normal," I felt the need to work it off. I got into a regimen of taking walks every day, occasionally breaking into a jog, and dancing at least two hours a week. Of course, that's good for your body and I am not slamming exercise by any means whatsoever. In my case, though, it was not beneficial for my mental health. As I took my walk/jogs and practiced my dancing, all I could think about was burning fat, burning calories, burning burning burning it all off. No. Wrong. Not good! 

I did pilates at least four times a week, even when I wasn't feeling well. I was super paranoid that if I stopped exercising I would gain 28723529 pounds and get fat and start the cycle all over again. I tried to fit yoga into my regimen because I heard it was good for elongating muscles (i.e. making one look slimmer). Regardless of any physical progress I was making, my mental progress was at a standstill. I still had loads of rules that I kept, like the amount of sweets I could have in a day, filling up on water and vegetables, not using the microwave oven, counting coffee or cocoa as a snack.. I was not recovering. At all.

It wasn't until August when I really took a good look at my life and realized "whoa. I'm not doing this right, am I?" My friend introduced me to some recovery Instagram accounts, and I saw what REAL recovery looked like. Some girls were eating 3,500 calories a day and lifting weights to gain muscle mass back. Some girls would eat a pint of ice cream as a challenge to prove to themselves what they were capable of. Some girls would cut out all exercise and eat only "fear foods" which are foods that girls with restrictive disorders are afraid to eat. 

On the 15th of September, I started my own account.  Over the course of the following month, I received so many positive, encouraging comments I realized "there's no way I can back down now." I felt like I HAD to recover, to show the world - and myself - what I could do. I worked harder than ever to face my fears and tackle my disorder. Eventually, the negative self-talk began to dissipate and I found it easier day by day to let my past go and push onward to a future I could look forward to. 

Since then, I've stopped posting on Instagram because it started to become more of an obsession than an enjoyment. I spent hours scrolling through other girls' feeds, gaining inspiration for meals that I knew I would never eat. Maybe I'll update it in the future, but at this point in time I don't think it's the healthiest method for me. 

On the contrary, I am proud to say that I have learned to eat what I want and NOT feel guilty about it. Yes, there are days when I go on "mini-binges" and let myself go a little too far, but at the same time, my body needs more than "average" because of the depletion I caused to my metabolism (and, consequently, my menstrual cycle). I have gained some extra insulation on my midrift and my thigh gap is slowly beginning to disappear, but I'm happy. I'm glad to say that I've come this far. I can smile for real, I can laugh wholeheartedly, I can enjoy food and I can pat myself on the back for pulling through when all I wanted was to take the easy way out. 

I didn't make any resolutions this New Year because all I want is one thing: I want to share my happiness with the world and inspire others who are struggling. I want to show that recovery IS possible, and just because it's hard doesn't mean it's not worth it. Life is so worth the fight.

I love you. Now love yourself. :) 



~Janessa

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