I'm going to jump right to the point. No fancy intro, no pretty pictures, no fantastic words or elaborately thought-out scripting. Just me and my thoughts (and a few of my opinions)...
I have had serious problems with food - rather, my relationship with food - for a long time. To give you a little background; I grew faster in height and width than anyone else I knew. Being home-schooled and going to a really small church, I had two best friends who, coming from a different family with different genetics than mine, were significantly smaller than I was. I compared myself to them more often the older I got, until I was full-on bashing myself every time I saw them. I took a ballet class, and I wore a leotard, tights, and ballet skirt like all the other girls, but I felt like a whale in comparison to everyone else. I compared myself to other girls, not noting how skilled I was or how hard I worked. All that mattered to me at that age was all that mattered to me say, six months ago - and still does sometimes.
I won't diagnose myself with anxiety because a friend of mine has suffered severely for years, and I can't say my cases are anything worth diagnosing. However, I do - or did - have food-related anxiety. From the age of 12, somewhere around my birthday, to the age of 15 (February of this year to be more precise) I went through many severe and less-severe struggles of trying to lose weight, trying to eat healthily, and eventually, going off the deep end and developing orthorexic and anorexic tendencies, thus losing far too much weight than could be considered healthy. I lost a total of 50 pounds over the course of two years, with a lot of yo-yo-ing and relapsing.
I can't tell you how many articles and studies I've read about "the latest and greatest diet tips" or "how to lose weight fast" and don't get me started on "never eat these foods if you don't want to be fat!"
These things consumed my life, my thoughts, and the way I thought about food. Any "bad" foods were cut out of my diet, and I was totally confused as to what were "good" foods and what were "don't-eat-these-too-often" foods. It got to the point where I couldn't fully enjoy a sit-down meal with my family because I was too consumed by what the ingredients were or how many calories made up one [child-sized] serving.
Food anxiety can be fatal. If my parents hadn't caught me and put me into counseling, I don't know where I'd be at this point. If no one cared enough to ask me how I was feeling, or to listen to me about what was going through my head at that point, I could be living in a hospital not able to stand on my own. I can't even imagine what direction my life would be going in right now.
That being said, there are some tendencies that have stuck with me and come up on occasions, such as this week.
I visited family over the weekend and, fully prepared to have a great time, didn't enjoy it as much as I would have liked. I counted calories the whole week, ate out once every day (and felt guilty every time), and restricted more than was acceptable. I am still trying to increase my caloric intake every day to a healthy amount, but rather than using that as a guideline, I used it as an excuse to count my calories.
I used to be obsessed with counting calories/fat/carbs/sugar, and this week was an example of my poor self-control. Every morning, I would tell myself not to log my meals, and every evening, I would have calculated the estimate of every meal, snack, and drink I had.
Personally, I don't agree with counting calories. It is too easy to become obsessed by the numbers and consequently deny your body of what it really needs because the app tells you you've gone over your goal, even though you've been running around all day long burning off those calories. Now, if you're an adult and you need a rough estimate of how much you're eating in a day, by all means, go for it. Myfitnesspal is a great app (disclaimer: I'm not sponsored or anything; just personal opinion) but don't let yourself go overboard. It doesn't take long for one to become consumed by what you should be consuming. [quote by yours truly]
This week wasn't my greatest. I displayed poor effort and am now more determined to turn myself around and get back on track. I refuse to go back down the road I was once on; I've made my decision to recover and restore my mind and my body back to health.
And there's my speech for the week. Thanks for reading - even if you didn't make it this far. xD
~JK
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