The Me I'll Never Be

When I was little, I thought of the 16-year-old Janessa as someone extravagant; some flawless, cover model quality Barbie with long, thick hair, a slim waist, incredibly long legs, and a perfect smile. I imagined myself confident, popular, and burdened with having far too many boys my age practically drooling over me.

Now I'm at that age, and I can attest to the unrealistic fantasy that was my under-ten-year-old mind. I have neither a mob of guys falling at my feet, nor incredibly long legs. If anything, I am average-sized and totally single. Both of which I have learned to accept.



But that says something about Little Janessa. I had an unattainable image of myself already set at such a young age, and for what? I can't exactly pick out the thoughts and emotions from ten years ago, but if I could, would I find the same insecurity that led me to an unhealthy lifestyle later on in life?

Because I have only one little sister (praise Jesus), I have made it my number one goal in big-sisterly life ensure that she doesn't go down the same path that I did. I know that, as a human and especially as a female, it's almost inevitable that you're going to suffer some form of inadequacy in your own eyes; however, by no means does that guarantee that every girl in the world will develop some form of an eating disorder.

The me I'll never be is the flawless, ultra-popular, model-status young woman with an hourglass figure and multiple boyfriends.
The me I'll never be is the sad, starving, lonely teenager who tries too hard to meet everyone's standards.

The me I'll always be is the person who does her best in all that she does, but won't alter herself in the hopes of making "friends."
The me I'll always be is the semi-athletic, overwhelmingly ambitious, introverted daydreamer who accepts the fully-functioning body she has been blessed with.
The me I'll always be is the girl with a future that is brighter than the sun and an inferno of passion for the One who made her who she is.

I may not always be happy with how I look, but I know that I have been created with the heighth and width I have. My fine hair that has zero volume; my light skin that refuses to tan; my eyes that change color; my long, skinny, hag-like fingers; all of those things are blessings that make me who I am. I could be bald, blind, have skin cancer and no fingers, but I was created with what I have and I will use those things for the glory of my Creator.

The me I'll always be is thankful; because I could be homeless, friendless, and/or dead. I'm way better off than I let myself think sometimes, and there's nothing in this world that I would trade for that. 

~JK