THE ART OF SINGING [PART 1]
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I am not a singer. I never have been, because I've always been way too shy and timid and unsure of myself to go anywhere near a microphone let alone anyone else hear me sing [not including singing along to the radio in the car]. I've known for awhile that I have the ability somewhere within me, but despite that, I have never ever ever volunteered to sing in front of a crowd or even in front of one person; I just cannot do it. That all changed this week.
Two Sundays ago, I was asked if I could sing a special for the next visit to the nursing homes [a group from my church goes to sing for the nursing homes in town every once in a while] and being the kind of person I am, I couldn't say no.
Among other things, this was going through my mind for a good few days: "What if I black out?" "What if I suck?" "What if they never let me sing again and I'm labeled as a failure for the rest of my life?"
The person who asked me if I would sing happened to be my worship leader and former guitar teacher, but even then he was one of the many people who had never heard me sing. What did that mean? That meant that I had to sing for him.
**panic mode: activated**
I was given a week and a half to pick a song and practice it before I would have to sing for him. In the meantime I spent a good while on Google, researching different ways to exercise the vocals and keep my voice from cracking, all the while pulling my hair out with anxiety.
So the next Wednesday rolled around and I was pretty confident that I could sing the song, I could play the chords, and I could perform without throwing up. I strapped on a guitar, calmed down as best I could, and sang. [Keep in mind, I had never in my life sang for anyone other than a couple of my closest friends and my parents, so this was a pretty frickin scary thing to be asked to do.]
Halfway through the song, I was stopped. "Okay, I've heard enough."
Those are possibly the worst words anyone could ever use. They lead toward disappointment and tears and everything bad in the world. "I've heard enough" is like saying "you're so bad I can't even handle you right now".
"Janessa..."
*oh crap*
"I had no idea you could sing like that. You have an amazing voice."
At this point my entire body probably heaved a sigh of relief.
As I said before, I have never been a singer. No one besides my parents and a couple friends had heard me sing for real before yesterday, so to be told that I have natural talent is like being given an enormous, prepaid ice cream sundae. My confidence level just went up about four points, especially considering that my worship leader has been performing for pretty much his whole life, so he's one of those people that will tell you honestly if you're awful or not.
Despite nailing my "audition", I'm still incredibly nervous about singing for all the people in the nursing homes. The way I think of it is like this: You're on American Idol. You make your audition. You absolutely blow the judges away. You go through to the next round. You perform in front of millions of people, including those watching on TV. No one there has seen your audition. You screw up the performance and everyone thinks you suck. Those four judges know that you have an amazing ability inside of you but it doesn't matter because four people vs. millions of people is hardly touching the surface. You go home with your head hanging and your heart torn into pieces because while those four judges know and believe that you have talent, all of America saw that crap performance and believe that you're a fail.
Whatever the outcome, I'm really pleased that I got over my fear. To be honest, if I wasn't forced to sing, I probably wouldn't have. I wouldn't have broken out of my protective shell and may have gone for a good few years before ever making an attempt to sing. If I ever decided that I wanted to be a worship leader, it very well may have been too late, or at least a lot harder considering I'd be an inexperienced adult as opposed to an inexperienced teenager. I don't know if I'll do another special anytime soon or if I'll join the worship team as a singer, but who knows? I still have to sing at the nursing homes. For the most part I'm confident it won't be a massive fail but you never know. Jesus, take the wheel.
Farewell! And may the hair on your toes never fall out.
"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree." -Martin Luther
~JK