Why I Chose Ballet

I've been writing a bucket list, and a lot of it is dance-related. So I got to thinking: why did I choose ballet? Out of all the things I could have done - tennis, soccer, swimming, track - I chose ballet.
As far back as I can remember, I loved ballet. I absolutely adored it. The costumes, the pointe shoes, the music; I wanted nothing more than to be a ballerina. So as soon as she could, my mom enrolled me in ballet and tap classes. I don't have but one memory from those classes. I can't recall making any friends or being very social (I was extremely shy then, more so than I am now) so those classes aren't at the top of my Things I Remember From Ages Ago list.

I can't tell if I'm laughing or crying or what...

(that's little me, in the huge white socks and pink leotard)

When I was four, I was taken from that dance studio and put into another one - the one I've been attending for the past eleven almost-twelve years. I went for one class every week, that lasted an hour long. I was absolutely elated. Every week, I went to a ballet class full of other little girls my age, and a "big girl" helper whom I looked up to a whole lot.

But that's typical for a four year old. Most, if not all, little girls at some point in their lives want to be ballerinas. If they're lucky enough to be enrolled in classes, they stay for a couple years at most, then eventually their interest dissipates and their parents determine that ballet is not for them. Any girl I've ever talked to, when we come onto the subject of ballet, it's either "I always wanted to be a ballerina" or "I used to take ballet too!"

I guess the question isn't "why did I take ballet?" it's "why did I continue?"
There were times when I compared myself to other girls in the class and thought "wow, I'm pretty good!" - other times I would go home thinking "there is no way I'm doing this next year, I suck." But no matter how many times I convinced myself I was a terrible dancer, I always came back. Year after year after year, I just couldn't stay away. Ballet was my number one passion. All other hobbies (soccer, running, swimming, painting) proved not to be for me. Ballet was always the one thing that I couldn't quit. There was something about it - despite my discouragement of never being good enough to make it in the real world of ballet. Even now, I can't imagine taking a year off, or giving it up completely. When I miss a class for whatever odd reason, my entire week is thrown off. Whenever we have breaks, I'm practically dying from deficiency.

I've taken every class possible, switching from tap and ballet for one year, and jazz and ballet for another. I took pointe when I was ten, but my feet weren't done growing, I hadn't done any research on how to choose pointe shoes, and I got shoes that were too big for me which resulted in an incredible amount of discomfort. I wasn't very good at it in that stage of life anyway, so I didn't pick it up again for five years. Now, same as ballet, I can't imagine not taking pointe.

I've seen ballet documentaries, in which the dancers are in classes for eight to ten hours daily; I've seen Dance Moms...don't even get me started; and I've seen a real life ballet. I almost cried (three times), because they blew me away and inspired me so much.
From the age of four to the age of eleven, I was just going to class and enjoying it, not really thinking about my technique and my form and really trying to be the best I could be. I thought I was good, and I thought I had a chance at becoming a real ballerina someday. By my eighth year, I had become so discouraged in myself that I thought I might take a year off. I was genuinely considering quitting ballet. But surprisingly, it was my dad who helped me realize that ballet wasn't something that I could just quit - I had a passion for it, and no matter how much I downsized myself, I knew that ballet was something I had to do. That year, I started trying - really trying - and progressing. I was able to do the splits, I focused on my lines and my turnout, I practiced at home, and for the first time in eight years, I wanted to be more than I was. I had goals and ambitions; some of which I have accomplished (like doing the splits and nailing leaps), and others I have yet to perfect (pretty much anything en pointe).

I'm still taking only one-hour classes, once a week (well, twice a week counting pointe), but I've been craving more, and looking into other studios that offer more than once a week for an hour. Unfortunately, those are far too expensive and not close enough to home. With all the driving we do already, the parents are not up for driving 45+ minutes multiple times a week "just for ballet." But I am happy with the studio I'm at now - I've been there for twelve years. I couldn't part with it; not until I've had my solo for my senior year.

So why do I keep coming back to ballet? Simple. I love it.
Why do couples stay together? Because they're joined as one; they're committed. They love each other.
That is why I've stayed in ballet. It's been the one thing that, even when I thought I wanted to quit, I couldn't. I thank God that I have the ability to dance; through all the strains and bruises and cramps, I have always been able to go back for another year. Through all my weight fluctuations and negative self-esteem, ballet has helped me to be confident in myself and to remember that emotions can be expressed through movement better than through self-harm. No matter what I've been through, I've always been directed back to ballet as something that God has given me. Through dancing, I can praise my Creator for all that He has given to me and all that He has helped me through. Ballet is the one thing that I feel I was made to do, and what better way to thank my God for giving that to me than to dance for Him?

I hope to never stop dancing. Even when I graduate from this studio, I pray that I am given other opportunities to continue in another. And maybe, if at all possible, I can join a more prestigious company and finally have the opportunity to take class every day and perform every night. That's my ultimate goal in terms of dance, and if God so chooses to lead me down that path, I will happily follow.

~JK